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Philips 5 Outlet PowerSquid - $3.99
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all the presents were hid.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a squid.
The lights were all plugged into an old powerstrip
When click! – uh-oh! The strip's surge protector tripped.
I threw the switch to bring the lights back on
But it had no effect. The strip's power was gone.
Our tree was still dark, the lights no longer glowed;
So I ran out and drove my Accord through the snow.
The first place I stopped – it was Walgreen's, I think -
Could only sell me Doritos and energy drinks.
I drove somewhere else, willing myself to believe;
But Target was closed by this time Christmas Eve.
Christmas without lights? You might as well say
Let's just cancel the whole entire damned day.
I drove on, determined, through the howling snow -
Then lost control of the car and spun off the road!
The tires, they sent up a terrible squeal.
I passed out when my head bumped the steering wheel.
And as I sat semiconscious, half-awake, half-asleep,
Before my eyes a vision most slimy did creep.
His tentacles were many, his eyes huge and cold,
His beard was a disturbing sight to behold.
And a cap on his inhuman head did appear
In a grotesque burlesque of holiday cheer.
This unspeakable horror then moved to speak
Through the horrific maw of his razor-sharp beak.
"I come to you now from the depths of your id.
Though I have many names, call me Santa Squid.
"I fly through the air come Christmastime
Spreading holiday joy and holiday slime.
I have heard your wishes to restore your lights
So I bring you a gift on this wint'ry night.
"The Philips PowerSquid is the gift I'm bestowing.
It's the handsomest way to get your Christmas tree glowing.
And when you finally get it back to your place
You'll find it's much more than just a pretty face.
"Hope this helps you get your Christmas lights on.
Merry Christmas." And with that, Santa Squid was gone.
I wanted to reach out to this beast as he faded
Though everything about him made me nauseated.
That's all I remember 'til I woke up Christmas Day
In the driver's seat of my Accord in my own driveway.
The first glimmers of morning were beginning to gleam.
I was starting to think it was all just a dream.
Then I looked in the passenger seat, and surprise!
What sight do you think met my wondering eyes?
You may not believe it, but I tell you I did
See the distinctive shape of a Philips PowerSquid.
Five flexible outlets, each with a cord!
A 15-amp circ...
~david
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